Between the Cracks, takes place in New York City and is presented through the stream of consciousness poetry of the protagonist Daniel
From Laenif: Book 2, "And the Sun Let Go" - chapter one: Between the Cracks"
And the Sun Let Go (Laenif: Book Two)
Chapter One: Between the Cracks
It’s the Sun.
The Sun,
It is always the Sun.
I know its name, every day.
The sun is the sun
And the sun is the same.
-
It came up yesterday
To go down with my twirl.
Always to the west I set, I lose my girl.
For I can’t have a plan,
My plans die hard.
The sun takes them with him
As my soul gets bored.
-
But it’s never different,
The sun is always round,
The sun is always heard
By the same faint sound.
It will never change
For as long as you can comprehend
The ways of the unknown,
The ways of the soul.
The way that works,
It is with this way
That we become whole.
-
And long years pass
Before I wake up quick
To lose myself again
In the dreary world to which I stick.
The faint glass window
Shows me the sun again.
-
Oh God,
How do I still know your name?
You remind of nothing
But what you showed me here.
I lost so much as I drowned in fear.
For if you had let me grow
In the way I had pleased,
I wouldn’t have to die so young
And I wouldn’t know no priest.
For the world got too crowded,
It got covered in dust.
While I’m stuck in a bar until bones will rust.
-
Don’t know how I got here.
Don’t know when I get to leave.
I’ve seen way too much
To know what to believe.
But thirty-four years
Have my past to claim.
-
When I finally forget to wake
And forget to remember for forget-ness sake…
Then a world will hold me deeper.
Things will never be the same.
-
Yet today they call it Tuesday
And the moon now circles March.
It has been two thousand years
Since we fell apart.
-
I would be something different
If my people had been wise.
They got good at the contest,
But taken by the prize.
-
So by murder and hatred,
The devil came to sleep.
They burned our eyelids,
We forgot how to see.
-
The clock’s ten and my mind unlocks the door.
I get behind the counter,
Where I’ve been ten years before,
And I expect ten years more…
Behold now a future I can never comprehend.
This reality is mind, but I can’t make it bend.
I can only stubbornly pretend.
-
Hold me closer, sweet tomorrow,
Defend me from the beast.
Insecurity is all around me.
I don’t know what to believe.
I drink a beer to remind me
I’ve got a life to perceive.
It goes down cold, nice as always true.
Found a way to become something new,
Something that just might be true.
-
So deep inside this body I hold,
People learn to let me go.
They feel it is best and what I need,
Yet it is from their abandonment-
I always bleed.
-
Yet it is not that I am too far out,
Because I am locked deep within-
Within the universe,
Within myself,
Within everything I know is true.
It is so hard to grasp-
The universe is you.
-
United by darkness, eternity takes its time.
You have to earn what you get,
But delusions come with time.
You find things to feed off,
Things to understand-
They become a blindfold that consumes you
As your trust in it expands…
-
I own this bar, and I see it come and go.
I have seen it in the bad times,
And I have seen it in deep snow.
People know me and I give them their beer.
We talk about sports and laws.
We ignore everything we fear,
Everything we know is near-
We find a way to drink this beer
And make all of that bullshit disappear.
-
At least I know the truth,
The potential of our mind-
Our soul could mold many things-
But it’s not the soul most people find.
They find more delusions,
More shit to waste their time-
They waste everything about themselves
And get lost inside this crime-
-
Back ten years,
I still knew the sun’s name.
The unknown has grown since,
But everything else was just the same.
In these times of past, I knew it wise
To kill my dreams
For they held my demise-
-
In this existence here,
In this existence rough,
Following love is foolish for love isn’t enough.
Not if you want money,
Not if you want to stay in your safety.
In comfortable rooms-
I stay in this bar
While a world within me feebly blooms.
-
Passion found a way to become me,
But through business I kept my life.
I opened a bar and I married a wife.
She wasn’t the love I’d really wish,
But she saw something in me
And it was fun to accomplish.
-
Yet still I dream of my true mate in soul,
The one who truly understands me…
Is still too good to be my goal-
-
For with Andrea, my dear,
I could reside in comfort.
I could bond with a woman
And not be a pervert.
She accepted I had no vision of God,
Except the dreams I choose to dream
And the passion that drives me to stay around.
That sun, that sun-
Same damn sound.
-
I turned on the TV, which sat above the bar.
I looked forward to my empty day.
Its end wasn’t far away.
I had gotten used to living on par.
People began to come in,
Have some booze or some gin,
Remind themselves they know something
Then forget about their sins.
-
It is a cruel world we’ve fallen through.
The sky goes to gray from blue.
I think of everything I just might’ve been-
Oh, for too long I have forgotten you.
When did I decide to give up on you?
Is this life worth it? All of my days?
The world is too foggy-
I drudge through the haze.
The world was once so beautiful.
We set it ablaze.
Through what, I am not sure.
I long to find the cure,
But as for how and why-
The answers have passed me by.
I won’t know until I die.
Until I get to forget again,
That it was from this that I began.
I give you people your drinks.
Oh, if only you’d care
What my mind sometimes thinks-
-
“I’ll have two house brews,”
Said a man who was free to choose-
I nodded, gave him and his pal a mug.
They were probably too young,
But who am I to pull the plug?
They looked the right age,
And what lawman would care
To card these young boys
In the late morning air?
-
A girl on a stool was maybe forty, but cool.
I asked her what she would like
And she said some domestic name.
I didn’t care. It was all the same.
-
And then I continued to watch
Some bland, commercial show.
They talked about nothing I would like to know.
This box, however, holds me together.
My mind always finds something
To define and take its time-
People let their opinions out on a rampage,
And the TV offers much to engage.
I can agree or disagree,
And my opinions tell the world about me.
-
As if one day, perhaps,
I’ll be on this screen
Sharing with the world
What I got from what I’ve seen.
Until then, it’s all for entertainment
Within this containment-
It’s something to consume my mind
While it wastes around almost dormant-
-
And through the door, one more guy came.
He looked like he had a lot
In this world to blame.
It’s like only I know the sun
Because it’s always the same.
The Earth is the sun
The way we are the Earth.
From space we begun,
Now we try to have fun
‘til death to rebirth-
-
He sat down stiff, grunted a bit.
About to unload like he really gave a shit.
He asked for a shot, I gave it away.
He wanted a lot and he loved to pay.
But the drunker he got,
The more he had to say-
-
“The world screwed me over!
It said, ‘look out! And move over!’
It’s really fucked up how some call this order.
I’m trapped in disorder.
I’m only so far away
From the final border…”
-
He drank and he drank.
After some shots, he had a glass.
Ranted on how the world kicked his ass-
-
“My mom was a slut.
My dad was a dick.
Both of them were devils and made me sick.
The schools didn’t care.
This life I could never bear.
My love life was never fair.
I never had friends.
I never had cash.
I know too well of ends
And too well of ash-
Someone save me.
It was me who created me.
Get me another beer
For I am sick of this misery…”
-
I nodded and did my best to keep him well,
But it was sad how much he wanted.
He was lost inside of hell.
Eventually, he wandered away
With still five more hours left in my day.
And then I go home to say hi to my love,
Wish she was more,
And then feel her shove.
-
Every day, it’s all the same.
I’ll tell you again and again.
She and I are only happy
When I thrust my way back in-
-
She thinks she knows me.
She thinks she’s got it down.
But I have good control
Over the ways of my mask
So my true self is never to be found-
-
I made some lunch, a sandwich and pie,
Drank another beer,
And served more customers gone dry-
My special beers and brews
Find a way to satisfy.
-
I talk with the people who come in to chat.
I pretend I know what’s happening,
That I know where it’s at-
But really it’s all just jokes and tales.
Someone says something
Until their point prevails
…or gets beat down like nails.
-
We drink, they pay,
And then they’re back to their day-
Rush hour brings more people to play.
People in the city are caught up in life
Just like me and my Andrea wife.
-
The cooks come in and make some meals.
I’ll mix the drinks
To keep customers off their heels.
Then by seven, my freedom feels.
This guy Jake relieves me, he says,
“See-ya, Dan.”
I go home to my woman.
Another day, I’m still a man.
-
On the way home,
Which is a walk nonetheless,
I light up a cigarette
And do my best to fight the stress.
-
In my teen years,
I knew of a way of love.
The devil called it wrong
And stole it away
And I had to move on,
Had to find another way-
And that’s where I am
As the sun sets today…
-
I go up the elevator,
Find my wife and greet her.
Change and take a nap
Before I hear the call for dinner-
Then we sit, eat, and drink-
Enjoying life a bit, we try to think-
-
We talk about the future.
We talk about the stars.
We talk about our days
And what’s past Mars.
-
Yet she is still a sheep, I know.
She does not care where my words go.
I love her for listening, for taking it in,
For not rejecting hope,
For not acknowledging pain-
-
“The possibilities of time call me to live.
The moon is so beautiful
So we have much to forgive.
We have to forgive the past
So our happiness will last.
There’s no changing what we deserted
…it is hardened and glassed.”
-
I say things like that.
She smiles so flat
Then goes back on her way,
Talking about her day-
-
“So I went shopping and saw a shirt
That I just had to buy-
I tried it on and it fit
So I gave my credit card to some guy.
Went for some lunch
Then worked quite a bunch,
I saw my girlfriend Sheila.
She said she wants to see you…”
-
And it’s on stuff like that,
She will quickly drone,
Talking about some new thing
She thinks she needs to own.
I am more pleasant in my mind
I suppose-
Something good is happening
And I feel it as it grows.
Andrea and I finish our food,
And then watch some TV.
As we sit on our couch
And cuddle up tight,
I am reminded love is spiritual
And that our love glows bright.
-
On some nights we let this passion run loose,
And I feel finally unburdened
From an over-thinking noose-
Tonight we were up until the moon grew faint.
It glows and glows, changes its shape.
I lost myself in Andrea’s beauty,
Caught up in agape-
We kissed and we caressed.
By love we are possessed.
She knows me in these moments
So these moments are the best.
Through her, I’m saved
So through me, she’s blest.
-
Even if I feel ignorance
Has swallowed her soul,
I have given her something
And it makes her feel whole-
We fell asleep together.
When I am in her, I’m full.
-
As I slipped out of consciousness
And into my dreams,
The world spiraled truth,
Majesty shot beams.
I don’t know time when I’m gone in my sleep…
My conscious mind molding
As it digs so deep-
-
Then soon all I find is shunned away
As my eyes recognize a brand new day.
I get up, light a cigarette, then walk on my way-
I enter my bar and my mind will say:
‘It’s the Sun.
Always the Sun.’
Same faint sound…
-
I sit down in the emptiness
And think of who will witness
The end of our reign,
The end of this game.
The end is coming
And I’m going insane
While people are growing in vain.
I look forward to another day
For which the past was slain.
-
I fall asleep one more time
Before I work for my dollar and dime.
The sun has been watching.
It is always stalking
And never bringing an end
To our tireless talking.
-
It will die soon just to come back.
In every perception-
There holds some crack.
Some crevice, some crater,
Some view to behold.
Time keeps on ticking as I grow so old,
So I take my clay and I mold…
-
But what comes out cannot be shown.
My mind is mine and mine alone.
-
Every thought inside of me,
Every working bone
Is reacting for positivity,
Reacting with a silent tone.
-
A knock came to the locked, glass door.
I looked up to see a man
I had never seen before.
He wore a hat and a suit
And a face too clean for destitute.
I unlocked the lock and said by tendency-
“We’re not open for a while.”
Then I tried to go back to my secrecy.
-
“I just need to talk,” the man said stern.
“I know who you are, you have much to learn.”
-
How dare this guy speak
Like he knows who I am.
All he probably knows
Is that my name is Dan.
What could he say
That he had to say now?
I still let him in,
He knew I knew how.
-
“What’s this about?” I tried not to shout.
I was just kind of tired, and I wanted him out.
It might’ve been important,
But I had some doubt.
And as he stood up tall, in the way of my light-
I saw deep within him and breathed in tight.
-
“I’m trying to take you to somewhere new,”
He said like he said it to few.
But who was this man?
What was his rouse?
Would there be a choice I, myself,
Might actually get to choose?
For times in the past, men in these ties
Have offered me everything
Except open eyes-
They’re slaves for men
They will never know,
And I wouldn’t let them lead me to places
I didn’t want to go.
-
For money is not the first thing on my mind,
But it is the shadowed dark reason
For leaving old love behind-
-
“Well sir,” I responded,
Making him stir.
“I like where I am and I like my fur.
What is this place
To which you wish me to walk?
What gives you the right to speak deep talk?”
-
I asked and he knew, like the sky is blue,
I wouldn’t go with him
Until I had more than a clue.
And as for now, I had no idea.
Who was this man?
What was his plan?
-
“Well Dan,
I am a man with a plan…”
And it was then I saw his shadows
Creep out of their hole-
No one else knows the way of the soul.
-
I could sense lies,
I could sense his hate,
But to my surprise-
His plan was great:
-
“I say leave this town and all of this filth,
You know there’s something more
For which you were built.
You left it long ago,
And I know you feel guilt.
I say now, run far away.
Do what little things I ask,
And receive great pay.
Your wife can come,
And then your life will be done.
I know how badly you wish
To view a newborn sun.”
-
And to follow that was a silence so true.
It was weird having a stranger
Know so much about you.
-
I was a little shocked,
And gone with sound,
But my mind still felt blocked,
As the sun was still round.
-
“Why do you tell me
What I’ve been waiting to hear?
Do you just know so much
About my pain and fear?
I guess what I’m saying
Is I don’t know if I can believe
That you’ll keep with this paying-
And not deceive.”
-
His darkness felt like all others before,
But now I was caught betwixt his allure.
-
“Well,” he said to me.
“This bar has left you fried and black.
I know you know of majesty
And I know you want it back.”
-
He was as unclear as I wished,
But it soon diminished,
It was too good to be true.
A stranger can never know the real you.
They can just guess and run through,
Then hope to get whatever it was
That they wanted…
Before turning ice blue.
-
So clock struck ten,
Same time as always.
I opened up the bar,
And gave him this praise-
-
“Well sir, you’re good.
You make me think that I should
Get up and go
To a place I do not know.
But I know well of your evil cavern.
I know well of your curse.
So I will keep my tavern-
I feel you can only make things worse.
You’ll make me have some wild expectation,
Only to find later-
An empty sensation.
So be on your way, have a good day,
I’m happy right now, don’t need extra pay.”
-
He stuttered and muttered, smiled and yelled,
Lashing out rubber until he finally swelled-
-
“You just lost an exclusive opportunity.
I don’t know why you still pass.
I came here intentionally
Not to harass
Or be treated like an ass-
I wanted to save a soul I looked on kindly,
And yet you shun me away
Like you still see blindly-
So fine, fuck what’s mine,
You’re obviously satisfied serving your wine.
What a waste of time…”
-
Then he stormed out
Through the same goddamn door,
The same one I’ve seen
Too many times before.
-
I shook my head
And activated the television screen-
I knew that man was wicked.
I knew beneath he was mean.
That’s just what happens
When you rely on cash that’s green.
-
Then the day continued
In its normal hollow state,
But that man had left much to contemplate.
Someone had just come in
To tell me they wanted me gone
For reasons I will never know,
-
Had I just rejected dawn?
-
It would have been a change in life,
But I wouldn’t have had trust…
For I would have entrusted myself
To that man
And the rest of my morale would rust-
-
I stayed with my bar, I owned it proud.
The drunks around the corner
Come here to be loud;
They come here to let go.
Whatever that man really wanted,
I don’t think I’ll ever know.
So I choose not to care
As with everything else.
And this job is my passion,
My pastime,
And my pulse.
-
How could I have thought
To abandon this comfort?
That man had me poised to convert
To whatever wishes
He wanted sucked from me.
Choosing money over stability
Leads nowhere but to misery
Away from the eternal harmony
Playing behind our warm melody-
-
It is here in this city
I will stay until pushed out-
I don’t care if these people
Don’t know what life is about.
I can learn from what I see,
And take in all that is given to me.
And when I realize the best way is escape-
I will peel myself off of their wall like tape.
-
Customers came and went,
I chatted when I got the hint.
But the ways these people talk
Make me think my reality is somehow bent.
-
For better or worse, you know,
The sun will never let go.
Unless you’re asleep,
Ignorant and dreamful-
The sun gives your life its pull.
Oh, wouldn’t you know-
That the sun has yet to let me go.
-
Two people were talking near me
Just like so:
-
“So the president made a speech, my friend,
Talked about some kind of end.
He spoke of things he would take
And things he would lend.
He promised not to break,
And he promised much to send.
He spoke of new beginnings,
New ways to keep us winning!
Of new prospects,
And new glimpses of how we should think.
We’re on a cruise-ship going nowhere,
Not a chance that we can sink,”
-
And he talked because he cared.
He was taken in by things
At which he had heard and stared.
And his friend had to comment,
Because it was only fair,
He quickly compared:
-
“Well now, good chum.
Our president may be rich,
But when of his gold, can I get some?
The other guy would’ve done things right,
Another guy might’ve shined kind of bright.
But this guy, I know him,
And I say he’s a fool.
He reads lies for corporations
Because they have his trustworthy face -
As their useful tool.
And he bickers and he rants,
He gives us amusing chants-
Despite it’s all a lie.
When he leaves that podium,
You might as well give him
Your final goodbye…
Then find a comfortable place to die.
We should’ve went with my elect-
He would’ve done things more correct.”
-
And that guy drunk.
Do you see what I do?
I give this place a soul
By letting it go down easy as it consumes you.
-
I would stay here,
I would serve the ales and beer,
And no one could make me turn back.
My present is worth it,
The past can’t come back.
-
The sun is everything, all the time,
Because we’re always in the same place-
I come up with a soothing rhyme,
No need to save my face.
But of a true harmony,
I dream for a taste.
Why do we rush to the future…
Why do we rush to death…
In such haste?
-
I whisper to myself:
‘The world is made of dreams.
Energy becomes us,
And nothing is what it seems.’
-
No perspective could truly hold
The things divinity has to behold.
Imagine a world of interconnectivity,
Where we all know the truth,
And we all act spiritually.
-
But this form of life is much higher up than we-
We’re on our way down, energy is dying.
We’ll have to wait till it all dies out
Before we’re reborn again onto a better path
My mind is on its way out…
One day all I’ll have here is my epitaph.
-
It was a colder night,
And held a dimmer light-
I walked lonely under the electric glow,
And gripped my cigarette tight,
Inhaled,
And then blew a rough blow.
My usual loving moon felt more like a foe.
This night was different,
As every bone of mine could feel
That the world felt different
And nothing felt real.
My life felt like an open sore
Waiting tediously to heal.
-
Closing my eyes was the only way that I knew
How to disregard what I thought was untrue.
I went inside the steel elevator
And started to think,
‘Where was I going?’
Our existence is at its brink.
I needed a drink.
-
I have learned to let go
So much about me,
I’ve learned to find new things
To become me-
And every change that I make
Crashes like a wave,
And then returns back to the ocean
To be reborn betwixt silent depths-
-
Yet some things try to stick around
And are absorbed by the ground.
It’s just sometimes
There are those of us
Who feel it right
To take in all they can
Before inevitable night
And my mouths have allowed
Such glutton.
-
We have a ship to set out to sea,
I hope you haven’t forgotten.
-
We repeat ourselves, day after day,
Constantly trying to find
A more comfortable sway.
All of us waiting to live by a bay,
In a town that goes by what you say.
I’m trying so hard to just fade away…
-
Yet because I have something now
The world has my past to drown.
The future only exists
If it has something
For the perspective deciding-
Too many of us are blindly abiding
To laws we approve through our silence,
So complacent-
I feel too harshly that this life
Is not what it once meant.
It has become an unfamiliar scent.
-
So I never know what to do
Except to follow my routine
As the blind do it, too.
-
I feel like a cow in a long line
To the slaughterhouse;
Some men perceive themselves
Arrogantly as giants
So I’m stuck feeling like a mouse.
I’m reaching so desperately
For a higher stance, a deeper trance-
When will I find something more
Than this dance?
Dance!
-
I arrived at my apartment,
And said hello to my Andrea.
Never spoke of the mysterious man
And his idea.
Just played it all off, and into my bed-
I collapsed,
Then tried to comprehend
All the time that has elapsed-
-
Eternity!
-
Infinity!
-
Show me your serenity!
Give me some kind of divine destiny,
For others think less of me.
It’s so hard to push away
The surrounding proximity.
-
I turned over and twisted, just couldn’t sleep.
Something inside me was being lifted, a feeling
From which there was only confusion to reap.
Nothing of a true light
Had found a hole that through, it could seep.
I was falling further and further
Down a tight, long steep.
Dinner was a show,
I couldn’t let Andrea know
That my mood was being crushed
By my thoughts-
Yet my reluctance to show it
Gave my soul more reason to rot…
So it rots.
-
More reason to continue believing
Nothing here is love or true.
A deeper place I sense,
And it is that,
I constantly dig to.
I guess not enough of me
Really gets through;
The voice in my mind
Tells my body what to do-
It’s stuck to me like glue.
The visions that I seek
Have been targeted by few.
-
“Are you aware of what you are?
Do you think I’m too far?
I’m lost inside my madness…
Dripping down
And down
And down.
Finding too much in my sadness,
Thoughts spiral around and round and round,”
I said that to her,
And it blew off her shoulder.
In one ear and out the other,
Suffocated and smothered.
-
“I think you just had a day
That was kind of rough.
That’s okay sweetie,
Life gets tough-
But hey-
Could be worse.
-
“Smile wide because it’s nice.
Don’t turn to me like I’m a nurse;
Just eat your goddamn rice.
I don’t think I could ever say
What you want now to suffice,”
Andrea replied
And she sighed.
I almost died,
But was too afraid
Of what that would’ve implied.
-
“Sorry, honey…
Just a bad day.
Making that money
Has caused some things to delay
-
It’s natural, I know,
To dig deeper when things are gray.
My life has become sourly habitual,
And I can’t find the right words to say…”
-
I stopped at that.
I opened up too much,
Something no one thinks I’m good at.
They like me closed,
They like me hushed,
And I abide-
Don’t want to be rushed-
Sometimes I want change too quick,
But when I act on this desire,
I get emotionally sick.
My soul weighs heavy
Like a cylinder brick.
-
“It’s okay…
But you’ll never guess
What happened to me today!
I ran into your old friend, Jay.
He asked where you’ve been,
And I said a bar that opens at ten.
He said he’d stop by, catch up and say hi,
Help you make the time fly.
But he’s doing good,
He’s got a job like he should.
I also hear that he’s engaged,
But to a woman
Who has got his mother enraged…”
-
And on and on and on, she talked.
It was a path that I had repeatedly walked.
-
My mind dreamt of worlds far away.
One close by to wake up in one day.
I then drank because I felt dry,
If only I knew why.
Love is as eternal
As every illusion we perceive.
The mind survives
Through what it chooses to believe…
On what it gets lucky enough to receive…
I went to bed early that night;
There was no other relief.
-
I feel like now,
My life fell between the cracks,
Nothing real defines me…
I’m too far away from facts.
Everything about me
Just fallen between some crack,
Never to come back-
I just don’t know what it is that I lack.
Maybe I’d do better
In some other place,
But it’s probably too far away,
Out in outer space-
I may wake up one day
But I will never know if I’m in love
Or just filled with hate,
If I’m too early or too late,
Can’t decide if I should make my way out now-
Or stick around some more and wait.
-
All these answers
Have fallen through some cracks.
Between the yin-yang’s whites and blacks.
Don’t know if I’m worth anything
Or just completely hopeless-
My apathy has shoved the truth
Through some crack.
And it didn’t take me, too.
I will never know who I am,
Because I never got to really know you…
Your skies of blue,
Below a sun so true.
My reflections fell through
Some crevice and crack…
Oh, never will they ever
Come back together…
-
But still I walk on the track
I laid in this crack.
I venture in circles,
Haven’t really found a thing…
Got some thoughts on my mind
To take up my time;
So I guess I know my being.
But still I never know what I’m really seeing.
I guess it’s nothing real or fake,
Just everything in between.
-
Only I know what I’ve seen,
I remember what I chose to observe.
Only things I loved
Get lucky enough to be preserved.
I do remember my lessons,
From horrid moments that ensue…
As the moon faintly glistens,
When we forget to take a listen,
I regret some things I do.
Can’t take back what you got from me
Even as I wish to forget you.
Birds fly, pass us by
So many times before they die.
We learn from the crashes
Through our mind’s cool ashes.
The basis of reality
Is just dots and dashes,
Galaxies and stars,
Comets and planets
Making splashes-
-
From one egg, my life came.
To only find it was all the same.
Then I woke up on a new day to remember
I didn’t have to play my game.
No work on Thursdays-
But all day Fridays,
And that can be a pain…
-
So I didn’t get up until eleven or noon.
I forget-
But it was whenever Andrea said-
“Let’s get some brunch, soon.”
I got up out of bed,
Whistling a tune:
No need any more for the dead!
Let us eat-
Until all of life rushes out our head.
-
We soon got into my car,
Drove to a restaurant
That was off sort of far.
Then at the restaurant,
I was just another consumer,
Buying some food
After departure from the lunar.
But some remaining shadow of night
Stalks me,
So I must question:
‘When will someone set me free...
To a place where people let me be?’
For here, there are stares
And judgments I try to ignore,
No reason to consume myself
In their thoughts,
I would only desire more-
But still, the more I try
To not let them affect me,
The more they mean to me
So suddenly!
-
I push away the thoughts
That I don’t want to think-
But every now and then,
The devil starts to crank-
-
I fall freely and uncontrollably
Down a fracture,
It holds no bottom
Until I adjust,
And I grip tight to the pending rhythm.
And the more I define,
The more I end up lying.
People take a hold of me,
But I can’t care that they’re crying,
It is my mind that I’m prying-
Just trying…
To see things in a brand new light,
Forget about tomorrow
For unpredictably reigns tonight-
-
We ate at the restaurant,
Had casual chits and chats.
I ate a sandwich, had some coffee,
And ignored the rats-
The other people nearby,
With whom I disagreed to comply-
Don’t know why,
There’s just something about me
That sparks something nervous
In their eye-
I try to hide, and stay inside;
Don’t care about the truth
For everyone’s lied-
-
The only peace is in myself
And it is for myself to find.
I can’t care about the stupid stuff I left behind, We’re all one mind,
-
And I hope one day you see:
Love is throughout this empty eternity-
They never hear that.
They never understand
The realities that made us man.
-
But in truth,
If you care to dabble on such things-
What does make us men?
Everything our existence brings?
Because I have found no way to escape
The pain we discovered,
No way to rewind and uncover
What the past chose to destroy
And smother-
I’ve been deceived by the father,
And I weep with the mother-
As he goes and kills one more thing,
And then another.
-
I used to try and stop him,
But now I don’t even bother.
Arguments within his society always have him
Faced against some other,
And the opponent is sometimes my brother,
But society’s father always wins.
He never really forgives us for our sins.
We have to do that ourselves,
To ourselves-
So possibly love begins.
And when it does,
You have to keep its shine
Without being selfish
And calling everything ‘mine’.
-
But can’t some things be all to me-
Without having to pay an irrelevant fee?
Can’t I hold something no one else will see?
Is that so out of line?
-
My wish for freedom
Gives me tolerance for these other people.
They can do whatever they want
And I probably won’t mind.
-
It’s just through this cosmic scope-
What my eyes show the universal soul,
I see things they never find.
Things they don’t care to observe
And learn,
Leaving them in ignorant fire
To always burn-
-
But whatever,
Some people know,
And others don’t,
Others won’t,
And it’s fine.
It’s cool.
That’s the way that works,
The way not taken by a fool.
It is with this eternal, loving way
That we rule-
-
I found this benevolent light
When I was small and young.
I was still growing and my mind was forming
For my life had barely begun.
When you’re a kid,
You think life is about ignorant fun,
Getting spun,
And going for a run.
And I was laughing,
Running…
Running..
Running…
Speeding through the woods,
When I stumbled upon the only truth
And all of its eternal goods:
-
“Hello,”
A man with hawk’s wings said.
“Now you understand…”
And I did.
I could barely breathe.
I was just a kid-
And the mystic messenger
Was so quick to leave.
-
Before he flew far off away,
He told me:
“Maybe I’ll find you again someday.”
Bewildered and confused,
I felt as though everything I believed before
Had been suddenly refused.
-
“What do I do now?”
I shouted to the sky.
“Did that really happen?
If so…
I’m afraid to ask why…”
-
There was no response,
No whisper or voice.
Whether I waited for an answer
Or just ignored it-
Was completely my choice
-
I guess I stood in shock,
For a minute or two,
And then I walked to my home,
Never to talk about the man
Who showed me God-
I was alone.
-
Never to share with the Earth
My discovery of the winged man
Nor my spiritual birth-
I was alone.
All parts of me,
Every bone.
-
Not wanting society to cast their stone
Because they would never believe me
If I tried convincing them it was true-
I was gold, and they’re still blue-
-
Now, on this night,
At the age of thirty-four,
I am revisited by the man with wings.
I am reminded of what I felt before.
-
It’s a Thursday in March,
Who am I to decide
If he has something to bring me-
Or if I should run away and hide?
My fear lent no advice-
-
I cannot now for the life of me
Recall just where I was
When the man with wings appeared again-
I was alone, no doubt-
But where?
What time of day?
Where was my Andrea?
What would she say?
-
“Do you remember me?”
I asked him, harmless.
He looked black like the sea;
His hawk wings red like blood
In the veins of eternity.
-
“I remember more about you
Than you know about yourself,” he replied.
“I am the master
Who by me-
You must abide.”
-
“Are we going somewhere?”
I wondered, scared and excited.
“We’re going to a place
Where your sun has not shined.
You must earn your eyes-
You may arrive there blind.”
-
He shut up and I agreed,
He could lead me anywhere.
I didn’t mind.
It has to be better than this place.
This world so cold and confused,
So abused and misused-
-
I don’t mind fucking my face,
I was going to a better world
In outer space.
This life on Earth
Was just a sad dream,
But now I have a new chance…
To redeem this cancerous light within me
That has frequently caused me to scream
Silently on pale nights in September-
-
Now I have a new chance
To bloom love and wisdom within
My cosmic presence-
I will miss my wife,
And I will miss the people at the bar.
I will miss parts of my life,
But now I’m going to some place far.
Riding a man-hawk,
Who makes me hypnotically tremble
When I hear him talk-
-
I’m going somewhere new
And without you-
-
The sun had forgotten me already-
But I still remember the way
It made our ocean blue.
-
And to my Earthly dreams and Sun,
I say now we are two
And before we were one-
Letting go of who I was…
Had only just begun.
Written by BW Derge, All Rights Reserved 2024
© USA
This was an excerpt from "And the Sun Let Go" Laenif: Book Two (2017), chapter one: Between the Cracks
