Title poem from the collection of poems, "Paradox Locked" (2018) by BW Derge - all rights reserved by author - protected by copyright
PARADOX LOCKED
A great exuberance filled me
When I thought of myself as nothing,
A great void of numb nonexistent stuff,
Makes me think like... what?
How did I become so attached
To this suffering bag of meat?
My only thought preventing suicide
Is the horrible realization
That there will only be another life
Filled with suffering after this one,
And sure, there are moments of joy
And drunk shouting of egotism, but fuck-
Do I have to keep pushing this boulder
Up this hill for eternity?
The holocaust philosopher tells me to embrace
The absurd meaninglessness of existence-
Don’t kill yourself,
Mind your post, damnit!
You think another life won’t be here next
To replace this one?
You think therefore you are at all,
So you think you won’t become me once?
We all got to live through this shit and,
So I guess as your essence goo leaks through
The labyrinth of possibility through
Which we are all infinitely falling-
Or, and this rebuttal comes from
The other side of the spectrum,
Let’s just hate the world!
![BWDerge.com Images - paralocks 1 Paradox Locked - image of sisyphus and camus, image generated by AI](https://bwderge.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/BWDerge.com-Images-paralocks-1-jpeg.webp)
Fuck you, you worthless piece of shit-
Slut bitch ass cunt douchebag dumbass
Motherfucker-
We never wanted this world anyway, and yet
You force it upon us,
Wake up!-
Fuck!
I wanted to stay asleep, you see-
Does the divine mother realize
How much she means to me?
Or am I meaningless?
Just another faceless God across stars-
The billions of galaxies surround me,
Embrace the sterile life fluid,
We’ve found you at last
In the horrid melting ice-
Unfrozen, you will become the nightmare
To save us with extinction-
And a seldom few survive to populate
The intoxicated meat servants,
But yet-
![BWDerge.com Images - paralocks 2 Paradox Locked - shadow in the universe - image generate by AI](https://bwderge.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/BWDerge.com-Images-paralocks-2-jpeg.webp)
I am nothing.
Despite the hell fire and corrupt deceit,
Despite the regretful grunts of repressed sex-
Despite the hopeless void of suffocated desire-
Despite the plague of apathy surrounding us-
I am still just nothing,
And nothing else fills me with so much joy...
Fuck your altars to monetary symbolism,
Fuck your fascist resistance to beauty
And freedom,
Fuck your pharmaceutical blankets
Which shield us from redemption,
Fuck your wool shearing
And the accompanying devil’s cloak
Preventing livestock from realizing
How bad you’re fucking the rest of us,
![BWDerge.com Images - paralocks 3 AI image generated - religion - paradox locked by Ben Derge](https://bwderge.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/BWDerge.com-Images-paralocks-3-jpeg.webp)
But fuck it,
I am still just nothing...
And to nothing, I will return
So through nothing, I am nothing forever
And in a weird way that makes me eternal-
And that grasp of compassionate eternity
Embraces me
And jams jubilation straight into my asshole-
Fuck you, I am nothing...
As I have always been.
Great souls without names slither across
Broken landmines
While the weary mind fails
To sort a barrage of sharp senses
As skeletons dance a routine
Resemblance to some forgotten ritual
That never did what it meant
Or really meant much anyway,
We’re too attached to this shit-
Let’s dive into astronomical space exploration-
Redundant repetition may alter the doorway
Or the key
Until falling into a trapdoor
Of misplaced opportunity
That somehow leads to an explosion to create
A plethora of galaxies-
So fuck you if it means anything at all-
We’re hopelessly spinning on a carousel
Of consumption and sleep,
I’ll die before this horrid world
Gets the best of me,
And all the same, although it pains me to say-
I may have to release myself
From the steel clamps of this woman...
I may have to find a small wooden cabin
In the middle of nowhere
And write my scribbled death poetry across
The roots of some trees
In a forest somewhere, no one will find me,
I’ll be lost in a dream beyond compare-
Never going to find where I’m hiding...
Forever forgotten amongst a chaotic madness
I never wanted to be a part of anyway,
Someone else should take her, enjoy her,
Tolerate her volatile moody shit,
I’m sick of it,
Exasperate the pleasure
And then retreat from field or battle,
It’s whatever-
I was never meant to be a warrior.
I should be locked up comfortably
With endless sheets of paper
And a bounty of cheap pens...
Guess I better raise these children first and find
A way to understand the devil’s temptress
Standing forever in my path
As an infinite object of absolute beauty-
She’s perfect.
I don’t deserve this-
I should be sticking needles in my veins
Or losing sanity on acidic mushrooms;
Instead this fiscal political religion web
Traps the mind
And causes the father figure
To approach madness with hesitation
And fuck, as much as I hate the entire world,
And as much as I want the universe to die...
I love her.
![BWDerge.com Images - paralocks 4 Secluded Writer in the Wasteland - image generated by AI, paradox locked by BW Derge](https://bwderge.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/BWDerge.com-Images-paralocks-4-jpeg.webp)
With every atom in thy decaying carcass...
I love her to the end and back
And to the end, I’ve been,
There’s nothing left but my love for her,
A secret beauty I don’t deserve,
So it haunts me for sure,
I will probably one day lose her...
![BWDerge.com Images - paralocks 5 Devil woman in space with mushrooms in a graveyard - image generated by AI - BW Derge](https://bwderge.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/BWDerge.com-Images-paralocks-5-jpeg.webp)
But for now, so snuggle in that bed
Eleven years built,
That smooth skin may not be there for long,
Could be gone tomorrow,
Enjoy that shit.
Fucking enjoy her, switch that around,
Be here now,
For is there anything else?
We lose ourselves
In the trivial madness
Of evaporating yesterdays...
And yet, in spite of everything,
I have nothing but love for all of you,
Perhaps the fear, hatred, and pain is mutual-
With a roof over your head
And a school for the kids to go to-
We accept “Could Be Worse”
As a comfortable slogan...
Perhaps I’ll drape it across my hearse-
When they parade this sack of blood
Into the dirt-
She is the epitome of creation and life,
And still I demand more of her beauty,
Which she psychologically morphs
Into mistaken insecurity-
![BWDerge.com Images - paralocks 6 infinity locked in a paradox box - image created by AI -](https://bwderge.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/BWDerge.com-Images-paralocks-6-jpeg.webp)
The problem in truth is paradox locked-
I am only satisfied by dissatisfaction,
I am only pleasured through tight pain,
And causing teardrops to fall from your face
Causing a solitary escape
From this snap buzz reality-
I am lost among neon light lamp stars orbiting
In distances beyond me,
The decaying death of this world
Is a maddened
Tight grip of insanity...
![BWDerge.com Images - paralocks 7 paradox locked poem - image generated by AI](https://bwderge.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/BWDerge.com-Images-paralocks-7-jpeg.webp)
Welcome to the endless beginning
Which starts in a beginning-less end...
The twilight of late night and early dawn...
The tricky switching of fates across opposite
Stars throughout time-
Interdimensional beings spy on us,
Witnessing instantly our inevitable demise,
There are many who find it funny that the wise
Are the quickest to be killed-
While the killers reign free
Throughout the elephant cage,
I never wanted to be a part of this
Blasted circus, anyway...
The stroking clock releases a primordial goo
From which more suffering emerges,
Out pops the infinite time-scape of oblivion
Imagined amassed
Into a circular eye witnessing
The awful carnage of desire
From which there is little to salvage anymore,
It’s over...
And over again the spiral circle swings around
Another bend,
And all is peaceful
In a remorseless event horizon...
As the mind nestles into appeased bedding-
As the soul hastens her view
Toward an infinite foray of galaxies-
As the body withers into a surrendered
Afterglow of forlorn recollections,
All the universe embraces
A loving vibrant eternal end...
She whispers in my ear, gently,
“When was the last time you stayed up
To watch the sunrise?”
I’ve loved you all along,
And will love you forever still,
Whatever you are,
Whatever you become,
I can recognize that beauty in anything-
No matter what the cost;
You can’t have paradise until it’s lost...
![BWDerge.com Images - paralocks 8 Sunset on Paradise, end of the universe - image generated by AI](https://bwderge.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/BWDerge.com-Images-paralocks-8-jpeg.webp)
![BWDerge.com Images - paralocks 9 The Whore of Babylon - image generated by AI](https://bwderge.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/BWDerge.com-Images-paralocks-9-jpeg.webp)
by BW Derge
all rights reserved 2024 ©
Poem was originally written in 2018
![BWDerge.com Images - Paradox Locked the poem by BW Derge Paradox Locked - image of religion generated by AI](https://bwderge.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/BWDerge.com-Images-Paradox-Locked-the-poem-by-BW-Derge-jpeg.webp)