Essay by BW Derge, 2018
Now let me say hear and now I have a few beliefs in my head that I want to put down as some words. First off, the body is an amazing thing. It does things with such precision I am baffled by it day in and day out. How does my body know how to keep this heart beating? How does this body know not to stop breathing? And these are but its simplest tasks. It sleeps and dreams and then as the mind awakes!- It does what the mind tells it to do. There are desires to eat and drink and fuck, yes, but mostly the body is busy with whatever we give it to occupy its time. And it is amazing, but at this time in our history… that is not all. Oh no, that is not all.
There is a mind and we are slowly realizing how great the mind is and we know the mind exists, it is there and sure, we will talk later about the existence of a soul, but the mind for sure is real. We manifest our desires in our mind and we determine how we view reality and how we perceive time and how we utilize the brief moments our body is strong enough to keep breathing and keep that heart beating. And this is what I believe.
I also know a thing or two about science and shit like that and what I can say is that we evolved from a violent impersonal past where we learned to squeak by and survive. We come from ancient descendants who lived in a world where food was scarce, death was likely on a daily basis, and finding a mate was our primary personal pastime. And food of course, and water. And don’t get eaten. And now we have evolved to the point where (and it is sad that I cannot say the following is true for all humans) but for some, our appetites are not only met but overwhelmed.
Food is not hard to come by, someone is keeping us fed whether it be ourselves and our jobs or some other means. Food should be a human right and it is sad that it is not. There’s enough to go around. Forgive me for sidetracking, but yes, there is an abundance of food for some of us and sex has become a different thing, reproducing seems inevitable with the amount we fuck. And it’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I fear not to get distracted again from what I am trying to say: We have the luxury of choice. And what we choose to do with our lives is very important to me. Now I do not believe in God, or any actual deities. But that does not mean I do not have some resemblance to beliefs. I do think we die but I also realize that time keeps going, it keeps ticking and it must reach a point where the clock bends and strikes twelve and we go around the loop again. Therefore we just keep spinning through infinity, again and again and I have realized to my dismay that many of my fellow humans have a hard time grasping this simple fact that I can’t help but stress every time my hand clutches a pen- Eternity has Time for Every Possibility.
That is the value of our concept of infinity! And not only that, but through pi and through Fibonacci and through the simple fact that theoretically, if you never died, you could count forever. You might have to start making up new numbers and it would take forever, but you could start at 1 and go to 2 and never stop. There is no limit. And through this fact alone, and through my weak human reasoning, I conduce that we must cycle through the life we are living many times.
This is not the first time you will experience this moment. I can’t say I know the exact nature of what I am talking about and this is where it becomes a time to talk about the human concept of a soul. For the purposes of this writing, the term soul will mean nothing more than a hypothetical essence that lives in the body you occupy now like a ghost and lives on passed the body’s destruction. If there is such a thing as a soul, it is a vague part of you that lived before your birth and will live on past your death.
And so because I do not know where my spirit has been before this body I dwell in now, I cannot speak on behalf of what exactly came before and what exactly comes next, you can leave that to the hypocritical institutions called religions, and if you delve into that mythological realm, I would focus on the Egyptians and remember all is but a metaphor. Again, I’m sorry, I am getting distracted by different thoughts. All I mean to say is that there is a concept called a soul and I do believe something like it exists and I do not know where it came from and I do not know where it is going but alas!- I am not concerned with the afterlife.
I am concerned with the Now. I am concerned with making sure this heart keeps beating and this body doesn’t forget to breathe and most importantly- that my mind stays stimulated by philosophical ponderings on existence. In this moment, I do believe that although part of me is eternal and has come from somewhere else and will eventually escape to some other place outside of this body I experience now, that it will go around the loop again and I will experience these moments in my body again. Regardless of what preceded this life and what proceeds it, I will be back to live this life again. Which means I have probably lived this life before. Remember, Eternity has Time for Every Possibility.
Now! If I am going through this life again and again and again, it brings up a very valid question- Am I living the same life the same way again and again in the exact same manner? Or is it that every time I cycle through this existence that I have a choice and that there is a possible escape from this loop that breaks the cycle and sets me free? This is a tough question. Read it again if you must.
But as for what I truly believe, I cannot say. When it comes to this almighty question, I am undecided and it bothers me every day and it is the greatest burden I bear. Nothing nags at my brain more than this holy question. Is everything predetermined or do I have a decision in my fate? I want to believe that I have a choice, and to many this is called freewill, but freewill could be nothing but an illusion and that is what I begrudgingly feel to be the truth. But still, optimistically undecided on the entire issue...
Let’s start with the arguments from the first side of the equation- let’s assume that everything is predetermined. As mentioned earlier, this is one of those things I’ve noticed a lot of people have a hard time grasping. “Of course I have free will!” They say. “I choose what I want, what the fuck are you talking about?” Well, I mean, come on. Let’s talk about math. If the big bang began a series of beautifully complex mathematical (and the big bang is real, so shut up.) equations, then 1 +1 = 2 and it goes on from there.
So by the law of physics, everything happened until eventually there’s a big sun in the corner of nothingness separated by massive distances from other suns and galaxies and around this sun, there are some planets. And one is blue, and one hundred trillion reactions led to unfathomable amounts of reactions and here we are on this wet rock in the vacuum of space. We spout out words like love and truth and never realize they echo throughout the cosmos. Even if you think every choice you make is a voluntary act of free will, it could also very well be the product of a mathematical equation resulting from the interaction of the billions of neurons in your brain. Even if you perceive it as a choice, and even if the math of the brain is incomprehensible to the brain itself- it does not negate the fact that there is math going on and 1 + 1 = 2.
You may have perceived the illusion of a choice or another possibility, but the math is perfect and it could not have happened any other way. From a baby’s decision to smile to an adult person’s decision to murder, it was a predetermined choice. An inevitable result of the equation started by the big bang. But okay. Now remember, I am not absolutely decided on whether I believe this or not. There is one other possible answer to this question that I find more hopeful, more fun even, but less plausible. This part of me says that the universe is not a rigid math problem, but rather a maze or a puzzle or something to figure out.
This could possibly be something like a game. We live this life again and again and again until we figure out the way to escape. We live the perfect life, after thousands of tries, and finally reach what some equate to as heaven or nirvana but I tend to stay away from those terms. Paradise or eternity. Basically, you made it. Congratulations. That is why this belief is better to believe, there is the possibility for a positive outcome.
The math equation allows no room for this ending. It is impersonal and it doesn’t care and there is nothing you can do to change it. But hey, if there’s a chance of paradise, then let’s play! What I mean is that I tend to think that we are presented choices every day that dictate where we end our spiritual galactic journey. Most paths lead to us going around the loop again and trying again. We live this life again and not until we make all the right choices do we finally retire from desire and flee to get higher. Out of time! Death is but an illusion. We reach the true end. And finally, this brings up one last subject and that is about how much margin for error do we get.
I know deep down inside we all sometimes fear that we have made an irreversible mistake and there is no turning back and because of this mistake, we are doomed. Doomed to start again, to try again. To endure all that suffering again and again and again. Not again! And seriously, I do feel that there are multiple paths to the ultimate truth, albeit that they are scarce paths and most the travels are cyclical and lead nowhere but to the beginning again. But irreversible mistakes are what you might define as sins. Unforgivable sins. Murder. Neglect. Ignorance. Rape. Nothing justifies these things and fuck you if you feel differently. There is a gracious margin for error, but it is not that forgiving.
We spout out words like love and truth and resent our decisions. You will die and you will get to live this life again but I do not think little sins are enough to stray a soul from a paradise at the end. But still, it may not be a fun puzzle filled with daunting responsibility. It might be just a rigid predetermined mathematical equation. And therefore we just go around and around and around like a horse on a merry-go-round. Either way, I think it best that you allow your mind and your soul (if in fact there is one) to focus on the beautiful fact that your heart keeps beating and your body keeps breathing. Otherwise, fuck. What’s the point?
Written by BW Derge, All Rights Reserved 2024
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